What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 02:58
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Put me off passion for life!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
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Comes on , in middle age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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My family never makes their pension either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do men think all women are the same?
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I will be 64.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We all went to grammer schools
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I have no regrets .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)